Stonewalling is a Condition that Harms Marriage

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stonewalling is


Ever heard of the term stonewalling? In psychology, stonewalling is a term that Gottman gave to someone who blocks or refuses to communicate.

Frankly, since going out with my husband, we rarely fight. However, it turns out that it actually made us not know each other and triggered the habit of stonewalling.

Stonewalling is a Behavior to Avoid in Marriage

My husband and I had known each other for 3 years before we finally decided to get married. In those 3 years we hardly ever had a fight.

If there are unpleasant feelings such as anger or jealousy, usually we both keep it hidden. Moreover, at that time several times we had LDR because I chose to return to my hometown.

This cool relationship continued until the wedding. If I see my friends are ‘shocked’ by the figure of a husband when they are married, I don’t find such a thing.

Over time we both felt tired. Moreover, at that time we were still living with in-laws, where the space for movement was limited. These limitations make us more and more trying to avoid conflict.

My husband and I both often come home late because of overtime so we often get reprimanded. My husband is used to it, but I, who used to live alone in a boarding house, felt uncomfortable with it.

Even though it’s only a light warning, it feels different when you hear it when you just come home with a tired mental and physical condition. Moreover, sometimes I can’t rest right away and I don’t have as much privacy as when I was alone.

When I complained, actually my husband also understood my position. However, because this keeps happening, we are both frustrated. Sleep becomes less comfortable, especially because they have to sleep in the same bed for the sake of imaging in front of the in-laws.

As a result, after work we were often involved in a cold war. We both use silent treatment to express anger. But, of course, this condition does not make things better. Later I found out that this is called stonewalling.

Stonewalling becomes a pattern that we both use when we are emotional. Not talking, avoiding, holding back, even refusing to communicate. Silence is like the easiest step, especially since we are under the supervision of in-laws.

Waking up in the morning felt more tired because I was still suppressing my emotions without being able to and reluctant to express it, and I wanted to go to work more quickly. All the way home from work I often cry at the thought of having to go through the same day. Again and again.

The Time Boom Finally Explodes

We love stonewalling, we need to fight so that the household becomes more harmonious

Until finally the time bomb started to explode. Little things often annoy us. It’s just a little unsuitable, we’re lazy to talk until we’re both in a better mood. At that time, I did not understand that stonewalling was an action that we should change immediately. At that time it was still a mainstay so that we could not solve any problems properly.

I began to feel that our weakness was precisely because we had never fought in the first place. It’s not because we’re an ideal couple, but because we both like to avoid conflict, which triggers the stonewalling action.

We do not know how to express bad feelings and always fail to find solutions when problems arise in the relationship. Gradually, we felt that this marriage was not happy.

At that time a friend did suggest to me that it was quite an extreme step by just letting all emotions come out to their heart’s content. Actually I was a little scared because I’ve seen them fight until all the things in the kitchen were scattered.

I think there is a better way than that, I take the good thing that I have to try to express slowly what I feel. I also asked more about how my husband felt.

I’m looking for the right time and make sure my husband has mood good. Most of this I do when outside the house so that we can talk more freely. At first my husband wondered why I was being fussy and asked a lot of questions.

Honestly, it feels strange to express feelings, on the one hand I feel weak if I have to say that. But I think it should be, so that the husband understands and can also express his response.

Sometimes my husband is lazy to answer, I know that he also faces the same difficulties. I keep trying to do it with a soft intonation, like giving affirmations.

Gradually, my husband began to express his response to our conflict. Over time, without being asked, he immediately said that he felt tired, angry or sad.

We love stonewalling, we need to fight so that the household becomes more harmonious

The best deal we came up with in this process was to give a 3 day time limit to resolve the issue. If it is more than that then this problem becomes a condition that we cannot change and we must learn to be humble and live side by side and try to overcome the bad consequences together.

To this day, we have become more sensitive to reading each other’s gestures when we have emotions to convey. We no longer make a big problem out of it like we used to, but we solve it right away.

We are used to listening to each other, criticizing each other, and dealing with fights as necessary. If things go wrong, we understand that in marriage problems are our way of continuing to grow because each day we are both changing.

Fighting is no longer scary because in the end it actually allows us to continue to know each other. So say no more for stonewalling!

Yes, in fact stonewalling is not a good thing to maintain.

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